So I got a Dreamwidth thanks to the lovely lady_krysis I love my Losers fandom. They're all so wonderful and helpful and lovely. When I have a crappy day, I can come home to them and they make me feel better. Usually with smutty fic.
And today was a bit of a crappy day. My cousin Tiff, who's also my manager at work, was in a bit of a bad mood. I don't blame her, and hell, I understand, but it was really stressful. I thought she'd be more relaxed now that we got our evaluation done and did pretty well, but she's still so moody. I'm afraid to say or do anything around her in case she snaps at me.
Also having boy troubles. There's this guy at work. He works at our store usually once a week, and mostly works at one of the other stores. When he does work at our store, he closes with me. Now, we've gotten along well since I first met him when I started two years ago. We have a lot of the same tastes in movies, comics and video games, he's got the same snarky sense of humor as me, and we have crazy chemistry that EVERYONE notices. Seriously, everyone that's ever worked with us always starts asking if something is going on between us. There isn't, we're just really good friends, but I'll admit I've had a crush on him for a long time. A couple months ago, I even realized that somewhere along the line, my little crush had turned into full-on love. I'm in love with him.
I've asked him out before. I finally got up the courage to say "so when are you going to ask me out?". He said that he didn't want to date anyone from work, which is understandable, but he also said he didn't like me that way. To say I was confused would be an understatement. I flirted with him, he flirted back. And the amount of sexual tension between us could not have been made up by me. But then he went on to say that maybe he'd feel that way about me someday. So I didn't let go of my feelings. And after that was when I realized I loved him.
He knows I like him; I still flirt, he still flirts back, and quite frankly I'm fucking obvious about it, but I don't think he realizes I love him. I'm afraid that if he knows that, it'll scare him. But as long as there's a small glimmer of hope that maybe, just MAYBE he likes me, I can't move on. I don't want to lose him as a friend, but if he's not the one I have to know so I can move on and find someone else. Then some of my coworkers are saying that he's using me; abusing my kindness and the fact that I like him to get what he wants, and I can see that. Hell, some part of me even says that. But I'm a pessimist with the heart of a romantic optimist. Or maybe I'm just terrified of growing into someone cold and bitter.
I don't want to find out he's a bad person, because that might just shatter that small part of my heart that still believes in the good in people. And I hate to ask him to be honest with me and have him lie to my face again just so he can keep using me. But I wish he would stop tiptoeing around my feelings and just tell me how he feels so I can move on, cause quite frankly, my love for him is killing me inside.